I’m not sure what to say again. Everything I read tells me to give you all something, that if I’m not communicating something of substance and meaning for you to consume that this won’t be read. I’m also struggling with my heart behind why I need to post weekly to this blog. Am I simply trying to get everyone to read this so maybe we will gain support? I hope not, but sometimes that is how I look at this.
Honestly, I would love for this to be a place of truth, a way to let you all in on what is happening with our life here in San Francisco, and sometimes when we leave the country. I want to tell you all the wins and losses of our life here, the moments I know we are called, and the moments it hurts more than I can say. I think you saw that in my last post. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be away from home and familiar things, not knowing when we would return. I’ve accepted the dull ache of missing those who know me best. But I know we are here because of what God has done in us, and I promise to share the full story, somehow.
Here is a bit of the beginning…I’ve realized lately how great of a family God blessed me with, for a long time I felt guilty having parents who I can always talk to and a brother who is one of my best friends. I am grateful though, and I know I am reaping benefits of a long legacy of choosing God. I have learned from the pains and struggles my family (mostly my parents) have walked through, and been blessed to have them teach me through their experience. Being 25 now, and really wanting to start a family of my own, I have been thinking of how I would raise my kids, and it scares me to think their choices reflect on how well I teach them to see the world. Looking back at my growing up years I am happy to remember the instruction moments my parents took the time to have with me. They taught me that my choices have consequences, and that those consequences won’t only affect me. My life verse growing up was kind of chosen for me, and I always had to recite it on cue of my disobedience. The verse is: ‘Do everything without grumbling or arguing,’ (Philippians 2:14 NIV) you can imagine why. I was a drama queen, I hated doing what I was told, and I made sure everyone knew it. The beauty was, my parents never gave up, they kept teaching me (through discipline too) why I needed to do things, and how I could be an example to others.
Recently I came across my deemed “life verse” and found a beautiful end that is a part of it, and creates a meaning which today I long to live out. A meaning which we are to be, lights to others, counter to what our flesh and the world tells us. Bright beacons of hope, that maybe anyone can choose differently. I know its possible for us, though difficult at times.
Here is that end:
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. (Philippians 2:14-16 NIV)
I pray that for all of us, that we can choose to be the light, not the cause of more issues in this world, but the hope. Stars are my favorite thing, I miss seeing them, cities are non-conducive to showing them. But every time I see a star, something inside me swells up, a hope, a desire for something more, it’s my favorite because it reminds me that God is there, loving me every moment.
Dad and Mom, you did not labor in vain. God used you to teach me so much. Thank you.